


Red's romantic observations

by Mewsol



Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon (Main Video Game Series)
Genre: Cuddling & Snuggling, Dating, Demisexuality, Diary/Journal, Eventual Smut, Homophobia, Intimacy, M/M, Red has a really interesting way of looking at things, Romantic Fluff, Social Anxiety, Spooning, psychological exploration
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-17
Updated: 2015-10-03
Packaged: 2018-04-04 18:43:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4148727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mewsol/pseuds/Mewsol
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Red starts dating Green, he decides to keep a journal recording his daily activities with him- all in an attempt to understand dating conventions, and perhaps Green's inner thoughts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. happier.

**Author's Note:**

> This is inspired by my mainverse on my rp blog, crimson--silence, with diisappoiintment (Green), and Red's younger brother, Fire. Green is slightly AU, as Kalosian is his first language. Fire is Red's younger brother and completed his journey several years after Red's, focusing on completing the Pokédex rather than battling.

#### [ entry I ]

I just started “dating” Green yesterday. So I told myself I’d keep a journal and document my thoughts, in hopes that I can grow to understand them more, and in turn, understand Green’s thoughts. It helps when I write it down, because I can’t talk to my Pokémon alone anymore without Green or my younger brother Fire overhearing.

I am confident that my relationship with Green will last a long time. I told him this yesterday and he hugged me tightly and kissed me. So I’m sure he agrees with me and has the same hopes as me. And in the future, I can look at this journal and think about how silly I was for not knowing things like how to kiss someone properly, going on romantic dates, doing sexual things (maybe?). Things like that, things in the romantic movies that Fire watches sometimes (I don’t know why, since he says that reality isn’t like what they show in movies).

In order to make this relationship last I have to commit to it. And I know I will make sure to tell Green how much he means to me and do my best to make him happy. I’ll learn more about what makes him happy, too. And I can comfort him when he’s sad about something. I’ll hug him and tell him that I’m always there for him if he needs to cry. And the other important thing is being cute, apparently, because Green likes that. But I don’t know what kind of things are cute things when it comes to humans, and also because I’m not cute like Pikachu is (he makes really silly faces and nuzzles me before I go to sleep and I think that’s really cute).

Anyway.

I hope Green will teach me lots of things. About relationships, and maybe things about myself that I don’t even know. Either way, I’m happy when I’m around him and that’s what matters to me.

* * *

#### [ entry II ]

I'm a late sleeper.

Green kissed me to wake me up this morning and there was an omelette on the kitchen table already made (it was pretty obvious that he was the one who made it for me). I kissed him back and asked him if he could make me ramen for lunch too. But he said no, because it’s packaged food and I deserve better. It made me a little mad at first since ramen is my favorite food in the whole world. But Green comes from Kalos, where there are lots of gourmet chefs, so he’s probably right.

After I ate the omelette I turned on the TV and there was a romantic movie playing. I didn’t watch it, but Green wanted to, so I cuddled with him on the couch and rested my head on his lap while he watched the movie. It was really warm in Green’s lap and it made me feel happy and safe. I don’t remember much about the movie; I only remember hearing some moaning noises and kissing sounds and exaggerated dialogue.

I haven’t been this happy before and it’s a really nice change from when I was sort of alone on Mt. Silver. I wasn’t really alone because I had my Pokémon and some friends visited me when they could. But now people don’t have to climb a mountain to visit me. It still makes me nervous when visitors come to my house. I have to have Fire answer the door to make sure that the visitor isn’t some person from the media wanting to ask me questions, or some young trainer stopping by only to give me lots of compliments and not have an actual conversation with me.

Fire says I’ve really grown up. And I’m pretty sure he’s right. In a lot of ways, he’s more mature than me even though he’s younger. He’s not the kind of person who would run away from society to live on a cold mountain with strong wild Pokémon just to be alone. I never was able to convince him that running away like that was the right thing for me to do, and I’m glad I didn’t. His letters were part of what convinced me to come back, but I haven’t told him that yet.

I think I fell asleep in Green’s lap that afternoon because I woke up in my own bed later in the evening.

* * *

#### [ entry III ]

Green told me yesterday that he likes it when I smile. After he told me that, I kinda felt a little weird since no one usually says that to me. So I had to force a big smile so Green would be really happy- at least that was what I thought. But that wasn’t what Green was talking about. He was talking about when I smiled naturally without thinking about it much at all. So I relaxed a little bit. I think my smile was really exaggerated and he could tell that it wasn’t a real smile. I guess it’s little things like smiles that Green seems to notice in particular.

Then he tickled me under the neck and I squirmed and laughed a lot because I’m really ticklish there. It’s the kind of thing my mom would do when I was little. Even though we’re both adults, I assume this kind of thing is normal for humans to do when showing romantic affection (my Pokémon like tickling me, too). I should take note of this so I can tickle Green later.

“Your laugh is really cute,” Green said to me (I think those were his words). And told him I didn’t really get why, exactly. So he tickled me to get me to laugh again and then I took notice. My laugh is really breathy and quiet, while Green’s laugh is much fuller and louder (and on occasion, much more obnoxious).

“Can you stop tickling me now,” I asked him.

“No promises,” Green said back.

Later that day I tried to ask Green why he liked my laugh so much other than the fact that it was cute. And he couldn’t really answer that, he just said that love is weird and some things can’t really be explained. Which is true, since I can’t explain fully how I fell in love with Green in the first place. I’d probably leave a lot of things out or not find just the right word to say how I feel.

And I’m happy about that. I don’t like having to explain myself, anyway. Talking still wears me out.

That night happened to be the first night that Green asked to sleep in my bed with me in a romantic way. He called it ‘spooning’ but I didn’t know what it was until he actually did it.

This is spooning, I later discovered:

  * One person is the big spoon and the other is the little spoon. It is usually based on height or body type but not always
  * The big spoon and the little spoon face the same way in the bed so that the little spoon’s back touches the big spoon’s chest
  * The big spoon wraps their arms around the little spoon and both cuddle until they fall asleep.



I was the little spoon that night because I am only 160 cm and that’s really short. But being in Green’s arms was breathtaking (if that is the right word to use). I told him I wanted to cuddle like this more and he said, “Yes, of course we can, Red. It would mean the world to me.” (I was really tired so I don’t know if this was exactly what he said.)

Then I told him I loved him too, and I fell asleep after that.


	2. closer.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _So much for a serious conversation, I thought then. Green is only serious sometimes, and not at the times when you’d expect him to be._

#### [ entry iv ]

I haven’t actually gone out somewhere with Green yet. My idea of a date right now is cuddling with him while we watch horror movies and laughing at how fake the special effects are. The last one I watched was called Haunter High School and according to Green, they couldn’t use real Pokémon since they didn’t have the budget for it. So they literally just used 3D models of Haunter that looked like rejects for a video game. Normally I don’t laugh during movies, but this one was so terrible that I couldn’t stop laughing. I think I was laughing louder than Green at one point. The funniest part was when they tried to make a Haunter come out of a bathroom stall and part of the model got cut off. And the girl who was screaming didn’t even look scared, so her acting was really bad too.

Anyway, Green wanted to take me out somewhere instead of us watching movies and cuddling all the time. He suggested a seafood restaurant in Viridian City and I accepted instantly. I knew I would enjoy myself because I would get to spend time with Green, one thing I really love, and I would get to enjoy delicious food, another thing I love (not as much as I love Green, naturally).

Except for the fact that I was going out in public and people would recognize me. I expressed my concerns and Green kinda just laughed at me. “If anyone bothers you, I’ll make sure they leave ya alone, okay?” I really had no other choice but to trust him on that one. Things have changed since the past when he actually wouldn’t mind humiliating me once or twice a week. But I don’t like thinking about that time anymore. I decided I would just enjoy myself.

On the way to the restaurant, though, I couldn’t stop thinking about the past that I’d left behind. Green noticed that I was feeling uneasy and asked me about it. I told him I was trying to forget about what happened then but it was still difficult. We stopped walking right there and he wrapped his arms around me, kissing my forehead. And for a moment, I was alright again. It didn’t make the thoughts go away, but I felt really comfortable like that so I asked if we could stay like this for a while.

“But I made a reservation,” Green explained.

“Of _course_ you did.” And Green laughed after that because he likes when I tease him. It’s funny because usually, he’s the one who teases me. When I tease him, Green usually retorts back, but he keeps saying that it’s cute when I tease him. That actually bothers me a bit; I tease him because I really do want to annoy him as much as he likes annoying me. It’s nothing like when Green used to bully me, that time is long gone. But it still reminds me of those times.

I remember Green telling me something a while back when he would visit me on Mt. Silver. He said that he wished he could have found a better way to let out those feelings of rejection instead of bullying me. And then I asked him-

“Why did you treat me like that anyway? I forgive you, I promise.” I had to find out the truth. I knew it would help me understand Green better.

“... It was Gramps. He never paid any attention to me at all. And when he did, he would always talk about you, like I wasn’t good enough...” I could tell it still hurt Green to remember that. Professor Oak always caused a lot of problems for Green and for me. If it wasn’t for what Oak said to Green during the championship, then maybe I wouldn’t have felt so guilty and tried to push Green away. It made me want to blame Oak for everything that happened, but I knew that wasn’t the right thing to do. I had to let Green accept blame so he could move on.

I’m still thinking about the past again and I keep wishing that something could happen for me to move on from it as well.

Anyway, when we made it to the restaurant, we were led to our seat and given menus. I ordered green tea for my drink while Green ordered some soda. We kept looking at our menus, and I didn’t really have much to say. The menu wasn’t anything special, just typical dishes. What mattered, though, was that I liked being with Green. I decided to order takoyaki for an appetizer and tempura ramen for my meal. Green laughed at me; he guessed I was going to order that. Green ordered salmon teriyaki with udon noodles and he seemed annoyed for some reason. I asked him why, and Green shifted in his seat.

“I wanted to pick a restaurant that you would like, since you prefer traditional Kantonese cuisine and all,” Green tried to explain. “But I’m still not really used to it. I can’t even use chopsticks.”

“Wait, what? Are you serious-“

And then I burst out laughing. I don’t regret that laugh for a moment, even when Green slapped my cheek (not enough to hurt, of course).

“Change of subject!”

I agreed to that, no use dwelling on it.

After a quiet moment, Green started on a different topic. “Well... I’ve noticed you’ve been talking more, Red. Yeah, I know, stating the obvious...” I don’t really remember how the rest of the conversation went. It was rather pleasant, but it wasn’t the romantic date that we’d dreamed of or anything. What I do remember was me teasing Green a lot, holding the noodles with the chopsticks and telling him “Open wide” with a childish voice. Green was yelling back at me and we started to annoy the other people around us. It was wonderful.

It’s only afterwards that I realize that I attracted attention that day, and I didn’t mind so much. Maybe living with Green might not be such a bad idea after all, and I might get used to appearing in public?

I guess only time will tell when it comes to that.

* * *

#### [ entry v ]

Today I asked Green to take a walk with me so I could talk about something important. It’s easier to talk about serious things when you’re moving around instead of sitting still. And this serious thing was “how is our relationship going to change.” Normally when I thought of soulmates I thought that I would be cuddling them and kissing them a lot, holding hands in public and going out on dates all the time like the one yesterday. But I really don’t want it to be that way with Green. It’s nicer when it’s just the two of us.

So I asked him if anything would end up being different and he said that nothing has to change if I don’t want it to. Green’s always been really considerate towards me; it was only natural that he would respond that way. But I mentioned that I noticed things are different. We’re kissing more, we’re holding hands, we’re cuddling at night and making out very passionately until we fall asleep. And those are things that friends just don’t do, at least not to the extent that Green and I do. Even though I don’t know much about social things, I at least can tell when two people are in love with each other.

“No, I mean. We’re kissing a lot and stuff, so... is that what it’s going to be like from now on?”  
“What are you talking about-“  
“I’m asking if we have to be lovey-dovey all the time.”  
“Of course not!”

So much for a serious conversation, I thought then. Green is only serious sometimes, and not at the times when you’d expect him to be.

We were quiet for a little while and just enjoying each other’s company. We ended up talking about a lot of important things. Like me trying to get over my fears when walking around in public, and about the fact that Professor Oak doesn’t exactly like the idea of two boys in love with each other, as do some other people his age. It makes me wonder if my mom feels the same way. I haven’t told her about this yet but I’m sure she’s found out by now. But it’s kind of ridiculous, if you think about it. All kinds of people can fall in love, why people care if they’re both boys or not is beyond me... I told Green that I would get back at anyone who said hurtful things to him about that, and he said I didn’t have to. But I’m going to do that anyway. Green deserves the best.

My favorite memory of that day was when a wild Caterpie fell into Green’s hair and started spitting string because it was startled. It was absolutely hilarious, so I naturally had to take a picture. It came out blurry, though.

I love little moments like these, because they make every day interesting and exciting. And even better since I’m with Green now.

* * *

#### [ entry vi ]

Green and I were making out again yesterday morning. The kisses were a little rough but I didn’t mind that. I like it when Green takes charge because it reminds me that he doesn’t care about what happened all those years ago, he loves me for me and making me feel good when we kiss is all that matters to him in that moment. Or maybe I could be overthinking it.

It wasn’t just kissing, though. He also asked if I was okay with him putting a hand under my shirt. And I asked why. He said it was just to feel my skin and relax me, and that he would be very gentle. So I said yes, and I didn’t really understand what he was trying to do until he actually did it. It felt like a nice little massage. I felt myself relaxing into Green’s arms, smiling and embracing him.

It was a wonderful feeling for sure. One that I’d love to experience again. I know that touching the skin like that is usually very intimate, but the fact that I didn’t mind, that I liked it. It indicates a certain level of trust. And that is what I am striving for every day. That is how I know how much closer Green and I are getting, by the amount of trust we share. And it will never stop increasing.

We tried spooning again that night. I was the little spoon again, and I fell right asleep in Green’s arms. When I woke up this morning, Green was already awake before me and he said I look really cute when I’m asleep. He’s really ridiculous when he says things like that, like he’s trying too hard.

At least _I_ can say sappy things and make it convincing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Agh sorry for not updating as much as I'd like... But I have great news! My friend Tyson (diisappoiintment) is going to be making a companion fic to "Red's romantic observations", from Green's perspective! You'll get to learn a lot more about his backstory, especially what he endured when Red was away on Mt. Silver. Look forward to it!
> 
> Also a warning, this fic will be rated Explicit later on for specific things I have planned for the story. Thanks!


	3. safer.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I eventually replied to him with genuinely heartfelt words. “I feel the same way about you, Green.” And I smiled, he smiled, and we looked into each other’s eyes and we understood everything._

#### [ entry vii ]

Green was shuddering when he woke up this morning; it was a scary sight. I know it had something to do with a memory but I couldn’t quite place it then, so I just hugged him and rubbed his back to keep him calm. I was very quiet but I kept saying ‘it’s okay, it’s okay’ and I could tell that worked, at least for that moment. Green is really the only person who I can be truly happy with, so I wanted to return that favor for him. I think he deserves all the happiness in the world, especially since his past was much worse than mine. I’ve never been told all the time that I’m less than human, a mistake, a disappointment, a stain on the purity of the family line, but perhaps it is the same kind of pain that being put on a pedestal causes. Both Green and I have been through painful experiences, but I can’t help but think that Green’s had it worse.

Green broke the silence after a while. “Red, I... I don’t know where I’d be without you now.” Those words stood out strongly to me. How could I possibly imagine what he’d gone through when I was away, especially since he’s loved me for such a long time now? I wish I could try and picture it and understand that experience better. It’s something I’ve been struggling with my whole life. It’s why people think I’m cold and heartless when they meet me in person, why only a certain few people get to see what I’m actually like. The most I can do is be there for Green, to reassure him that everything is okay now that we’re together like he’s dreamed of.

(Perhaps, I might have dreamed of this kind of relationship with Green too, back then, but dreams are different than reality and the thought of growing closer to Green was probably abstract and unclear to me at that moment.)

I eventually replied to him with genuinely heartfelt words. “I feel the same way about you, Green.” And I smiled, he smiled, and we looked into each other’s eyes and we understood everything.

Later that afternoon, after Green was feeling a little better, we played Super Mario Kart on my old SNES back at my house. When it comes to battling, Green and I are evenly matched most of the time. But he always seems to beat me at Mario Kart on the harder courses and I don’t know why. It’s alright, though, I’m gonna beat him eventually and he’ll be really surprised. Maybe to get him back for the time he snuck up on me, one of those times he visited me at Mt. Silver.

I remember a lot of those visits. After Green started visiting me on Mt. Silver, everything seemed to get easier. Getting through a day wasn’t like a chore. I had someone to look forward to, even if I was a little afraid of what would happen once in a while. There was consistency in it. I had to grow used to Green’s presence again though; it was very strange since before the championship, we acted like we knew each other all our lives (we pretty much have, though). But he was very kind to me and he brought me lots of blankets and better versions of the instant meals that I like. And once we really became friends again, we had snowball fights and told ghost stories and hugged each other. We battled sometimes, too. I won more often than I lost but I enjoyed the battles that I lost much more. It was another excuse to see Green happy and symbolically ‘correct’ the past. There’s something refreshing about losing for me.

Losing a battle. It’s something that gives me validation that I’m not a champion like everyone thinks I am. Even Lance and Wallace and all of the others at the Pokémon World Tournament considered me as such because I was invited to participate in the _Champions Tournament_ (and I hated every _minute_ I had to face that screaming crowd). So I’m almost craving to find that person who can surpass me and my Pokémon in skill. Definitely the reason why I decided to leave for Unova in the first place. Though I felt really anxious all the time when I was around all those people, there were two trainers I fought that really gave me the satisfaction of losing. I wish I had said something to them when I had the chance. I don’t even remember their names...

Oh well. Maybe I’ll go back to Unova someday and then they’ll recognize me right away.

After the tournament, I returned home. And that ‘home’ was Mt. Silver. It always felt like home to me even though it technically wasn’t. I still had my Pokémon friends with me even when Green wasn’t there, so I did alright by myself (better than being surrounded by those crowds). And all of my Pokémon together with me... it felt like a family. It still feels that way now. Pikachu still follows me around all the time and hangs out on my shoulder. It’s his favorite place to be in the whole world and I know because he told me so. And he actually asks to be sent out first because he knows his own abilities very well.

Charizard is really protective of all of us and he goes off on his own to train. He’s been like that ever since I chose him as my first Pokémon. He takes battling really seriously and wants to become stronger so if my friends and I are in danger, he can protect us. On Mt. Silver, he’d usually train by fighting through rock slides and against the wild Ursaring.

Venusaur is calm and motherly and always tries to give good advice. She made a hammock for me in the corner of my cavern and the vines are really strong. She’s really witty and has an interesting sense of humor when you get her talking. 

Blastoise acts really childish and playful and is rarely ever serious, even at times when he should be. He sees battles like a fun game and that causes problems when he interacts with Charizard, who takes everything seriously. But he’s no less weak than the other members of my team and he’s eager to show off what he can do.

Snorlax is actually the most active out of all of them and is really energetic, surprisingly. But after a while, he would go back to the corner of the cavern and take a long nap. When people visited me, he liked to run up to them and give them hugs, and the ground started shaking. He definitely scared Gold the last time he visited to bother me.

And Espeon can always understand what I’m feeling at any moment. He can tell when I’m feeling anxious better than anyone, and he cuddles up with me to calm me down. And when we’re bored, we play chess together. I taught him, of course. 

They were all really nice to talk to, and they all had their own interesting things to say. I always laugh when Blastoise says he wants to spray Gold with water because he bothers me so much. It’s relaxing when I lie on Snorlax’s belly and he tells me funny stories about the wild Pokémon he meets before I fall asleep. And Espeon telling me that everything’s going to be okay. Because even though I didn’t get many visitors on Mt. Silver and I felt lonely (though I didn’t realize it), there were still many moments when I found happiness.

Happiness is many different things. Happiness is the feeling of being with the people and Pokémon you love with all of your heart. Happiness is falling asleep in the arms of the most important person in your life and waking up with a smile.

But for me now, I think happiness can best be summed up as the fact that I now have a future to believe in, to look forward to. And that is what has changed me.

* * *

#### [ entry viii ]

Gold showed up at my door angrily this morning and woke me up. He was mad because I didn’t tell him I’d returned from Mt. Silver and he had to trek up the mountain only to find that I wasn’t there. I asked him why he decided to show up and bother me again. He has a long history of bothering me. We’re good friends and we can talk about things to each other but Gold still makes me uneasy with his loud mouth. And also the fact that our entire ‘friendship’ was founded upon his admiration for me. He still calls me Red-senpai and I feel like cringing every time he calls me that.

“What are ya doin’ at Green’s place, anyhow? Are you two dating for REAL this time?” Gold asked me. I just groaned. Dealing with my own feelings was difficult enough, Gold bothering me and reminding me of it only made it worse. I gave him the answer he wanted and I hoped he would leave me alone quickly. But that was a foolish hope, because moments later, he started taking snacks from the counter.

“Hope ya don’t mind,” Gold said in an attempt to justify himself. “I mean, it’s your place too, right? Of course you’d share with me.” I kept quiet the whole time and just let him take the snacks. There was nothing I could do to stop him; I’ve never been able to. So I just sat back and let him do his thing.

A while ago on Mt. Silver (I think it was a year ago) during the time when Green started visiting me, Gold noticed that I had some leftover Kalosian food stored away. And he quickly figured out that someone had been visiting me, because there was no way I could have bought food that delicious from the store. I gave in and told him that it was Green who was visiting me. But he just had to rub it in- 

“Ha! Caught ya RED-handed! You’re dating Green, aren’t ya? Don’t try to deny it!”  
“I never said I was dating anyone.”  
“Oh. Never mind.... Honestly, man - you don't gotta talk about it. I get it! Some things are private. But hey, can y'blame me for wondering what kinda person gets you all bothered? You're a hard guy to shake up.”

That was back when I didn’t know what dating was actually like. But thinking back, Green was very affectionate and loving to me then as well, so maybe Gold wasn’t entirely wrong.

I know for a fact that I’ll never be able to get Gold to stop bothering me. It used to be a lot worse, though, a time when he tormented me and thought I would enjoy it. Teasing me, calling me names, getting into my personal space... it gave him some kind of sick satisfaction, doing this to the ‘champion’ he’d beaten. Because that was all I really was to him, back then. Just ‘the world’s strongest’, an obstacle, yet he still demanded answers.

There are no answers, only an endless sea of impossible questions- what does it mean, when society has put you on a pedestal and made you into the most perfect person for them? Is the champion title worthless, after all? Why are we constantly looking for meaning in the smallest things- the way Green turned to me after I destroyed his dream, the hurt in his eyes, my body shaking as I walked to accept my fate- does it all point to something about me, about what being the ‘world’s strongest’ really means?

Gold, in his own little way, forces me to ask myself these questions. He is a reminder that there are people who look up to me, that there are people who struggle to see past their pre-conceived image of me. Gold’s trying to overcome that, little by little, by himself. I don’t need to tell him anything directly. After all, I’m always destroying people’s expectations of me with little effort. It’s only a matter of time before he realizes that he doesn’t have to aim to be like me.

* * *

#### [ entry ix ]

I’m... a weird person, I’ve discovered.

There are a lot of reasons why I believe I don’t belong here, even when people hail me as the former champion of the Indigo League. I can’t really communicate well with people, even to the people I care most about. Like Green, of course. Several weeks ago, when I decided that the emotions I felt for him classified as “love”, I did not mention the word once. I simply expressed my need to become closer to him and understand the way he thinks and feels. I didn’t remember feeling that way about him before, though. Maybe it’s my new understandings of human interaction.

If I were asked to describe my feelings for Green right now, I couldn’t. My own emotions are challenging to understand even with the experience I have gained. So I simply ignore trying to find meaning and enjoy myself with him. I can, however, describe Green as a person. He is, as I have learned, someone who has been through a lot of hardships, much like myself. And he keeps his kind heart under that exterior of sarcasm and arrogance. Green seems to put that attitude aside just for me. And I still don’t understand why. Even though it was years ago, I still destroyed his long-held dream of becoming Champion. Green doesn’t hate me for that anymore, but most people would think it’s a silly reason for giving up the title. And it’s another reason why I don’t belong here.

Green told me that since he likes other boys (instead of girls), specifically me, Professor Oak hates him. So now Green isn’t Oak’s grandson anymore. I didn’t really understand that, since Green liking boys is something that he can’t really change, why would Professor Oak not love Green anymore because of something like that? Green said it’s normal that I’d think that way, because I haven’t experienced the same treatment myself. And Green’s right. I told my mother about me and Green yesterday and she was surprised, but very supportive of me. She said that I made the right choice and we both laughed. But Green won’t get to experience that feeling; Professor Oak will only reject him because of who he loves. And that... it’s not fair at all.

“I don’t understand it... why?... Green, is there anything I can do about it?”  
“You don’t have to. I’ve already chosen a different last name, so he’s out of my life.”

That last name, I later figured out, is Chêne, the Kalosian word for “oak”. I think it fits a lot better. It’s like a symbol of how Green is asserting himself as his own person and how he’s not going to let Professor Oak's rejection keep him chained down anymore.

What really touched me about that conversation, though, is that Green said it’s all worth it because he’s wanted to be with me for so long. And I asked him why, saying I’m not anything special, but I want to be with him too, since he’s the most important person in the world to me.

“Arceus damn it... you’re so cute.”  
“Why is that?”  
“I don’t know! You’re just... really cute, okay?”

And then I was left really confused; that conversation ended weirdly. Oh well, maybe I’ll understand this dating thing more in another month or so.

Another reason why I don’t belong here is because I don’t know about a lot of things that normal people talk about, like dating, as I mentioned, romance and flirting, and sexual things. I believe that sex is one of those things where you have to really trust the person a lot, and love them with all of your heart. I see it as something special, where the emotions you feel when around the person you love most become physical. At least that’s what I want it to be like for me.

The other day, Green told me about the girls he used to date and have sex with. I asked what that was like, since I obviously wasn’t experienced with sexual things (or dating girls). Except he suddenly tensed up when I asked him that. Something he obviously didn’t want to talk about. So I had to ask further, to make sure he was alright.

“What’s wrong, Green?”  
“N-nothing. Just... something that happened. I’m alright.”

So I just ignored it for the time being. It’s weird though because Green says he’s only attracted to other boys (mostly me though). I asked him,

“I thought you only liked boys though. Why did you do sexual things with girls if you aren’t attracted to them?”

“I wanted to forget for a while,” Green told me, which got me even more confused. The memories we shared resonated so strongly that I couldn’t imagine Green forgetting them. That, and Pallet Town doesn’t have a lot of people to talk to and everyone in Viridian usually asked Green about me until it got unbearable.

“Forget about what?”

“Red... I missed you. I figured... that you probably weren’t coming back. The professor tried to hook me up with rich girls that looked similar to you, almost like he knew... He wanted an heir an’ all, but I just couldn’t, I really tried to like it, but I was such a failure, I-“

“I’m here, I promise.” I held his hand gently so he would relax a little bit. It was the only thing for me to say, to get Green to stay in the present and try and focus on the fact that he’s with me, since I’m the only person he’s ever wanted. It really touched me a lot to hear Green say that to me, that he missed me. I liked hearing that, I _liked_ feeling wanted.

As soon as Green heard those words from me, he hugged me tightly and thanked me. Remembering things like this was just as painful for Green as it was for me so frequently. Maybe the day will come when Green will tell me the whole story. So much has changed from when we first saw each other again, after so many years. That memory hurts but it’s important since it started everything, the direction my relationship with Green is taking right now.

The first time Green found me again on Mt. Silver, I thought he hated me, since I destroyed his dream of becoming Champion, and it’d been even worse with Oak scolding him. But I quickly learned that it wasn’t the case, he actually didn’t hate me and he wanted to be my friend again. I remember clearly that I had a panic attack for a bit, since it wasn't supposed to be happening this way, Green was supposed to be angry at me- and I wasn’t able to say a single word. Green was hurt because he thought he hurt me. And that was the worst feeling of all. Not only was it my fault that Green’s dream was destroyed, but because I left, he was led to believe that he’d hurt me and hated himself for it. But what really sticks out in my mind is that Green missed me, he wanted me to come home, and he needed to be with me.

I think I might have said a few words then but I don’t entirely remember them. Green visited me several days a week after that.

I’ve really started to understand how much Green and I trust each other. And it will grow even more as time goes on, I’m sure of it. I don’t belong in this world, that’s for sure, but it’s pretty obvious that I belong with Green; how could I be with anyone else? With Green, I can do anything, even move on from the past- something I could never do on my own. And with this trust in mind, I’m wondering if I should ask Green if he wants to do sexual things with me. I still don’t know anything about it so I’m hoping he can show me someday. Maybe when I feel ready and confident enough I can ask him.

Though I do have confidence that he’ll say yes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Red doesn't really like labels for sexual and romantic orientation, so he's not going to be using them in this fic.


End file.
